June 15, 2005

All About Stacey

David W Young writes...

Stacey is special. And not just because he has a girl's name, or because he's a morange.

I first met Special Stace in 1998 when we were neighbours in a dodgy set of apartments above MP Tukuroirangi Morgan's party offices in Frankton, Hamilton. Good times were had by all, especially Tuku.

In recent years, after escaping Hamilton and travelling the world, Stace has developed an interest in money.

First there was Shizzle. Shizzle is a greyhound. Stace controls the syndicate that owns and races Shizzle. This was his email looking for co-owners:

"Forget horse racing and the Melbourne cup. Hutt Park dog track and Shizzle on Trackside in the 6th is where the true excitement lies. Do your bit for the community and be the first dog racing supporter who isn't a problem gambler!"


Then Stacey discovered TradeMe. This was like Suzanne Paul discovering the formula to Natural Glow: he knew he would make (and probably lose) a fortune.

Stacey's first advertisement appeared designed to test the gullibility of his audience:

My house and surrounding shrubbery are infested with a particularly large and scary type of spider. I have a paranoid fear of spiders.

Also surrounding my house live a selection of native NZ skinks and geckos and a small kiwi named Jasper. I had heard Jasper at night and hoped he and the geckos would delivery a timely death to the hoard of arachnids about the property.

This has not occurred so drastic steps are needed. I need to purchase a very very large quantity of bug bombs. These aren't cheap and I'm broke.

Therefore I have captured Jasper and am offering him for sale. Reserve starts at $30 (3 bug bombs) and the final purchaser can also have a few gecko's thrown in. Purchase will have to be by pickup as I'm not too sure NZ Couriers deal in small flightless birds.

For those of you interested in Jasper's welfare, no I am not going to eat him (as damn good as roast as he looks like he'd make) and he is currently roaming free in the land around my property. He is easy to catch.

The advertisement was accompanied by a cute photograph of a kiwi.

Several thousand people looked at the auction during the four hours it was up. He received over 200 emails. Some were from taxidermists.

In the end a woman from Auckland clicked the "buy-now" price of $200 and said she would drive to Wellington the following day to collect Jasper. Stacey takes over the story-telling:

Due to the rampant gullibility and insanity of these people I altered the auction. I didn't want to sell a kiwi, merely the amusing idea, so needed a different approach. So I reposted the auction as not selling Jasper but selling "bags of kiwi feathers" harvested from Jasper, who would remain unharmed and happily living in my shrubbery, until I could come up with a better idea.

The auction was removed within an hour by Trademe, and resulted in a near-prosecution from DoC - who actually searched Stacey's apartment looking for Jasper.


So Stacey came up with "The Winston Peters Night Out"

The Auction was for an all-expenses-paid night in Wellington for two. The highlight was dinner at the Green Parrot, and transport would be provided by the same Somaili taxi driver Winston Peters once had an altercation with. (Resourceful Stacey actually tracked down the driver's company.)

This auction was removed by Trademe after about 30 minutes. Two other auctions - "an alibi valid for one year" and "the world's largest collection of stubbies" - sadly failed to reach their reserve.

Finally, Stacey has come up with an idea that DoC and Trademe aren't anxious to stamp upon.

He is auctioning off tickets to his flat-warming. It's this Saturday.

Stacey claims to have "a sophisticated and styley bunch of friends around the 22-32 age mark". I personally suspect this is false advertising. He says there will be 60-100 people attending. It will be, says Stacey, "FANTASTIC." He doesn't break out the capital letters for any old thing.

The theme is "Famous NZ'ers". Stacey would like to see people arrive as:

Precious Mckenzie
The Ingham twins
Tim Shadbolt
Mark Todd
True Bliss
Hudson and Hall
Lorraine Downs
Peter Plumley-Walker
Count Homogenised
Chloe from Wainuiomata
Tim Mckimm Big Save Furniture.

Stacey offers the Trademe winner:

Confidentiality on who you are and why you're there.This is perfect for lonely farmers or those with too little time and too much money.Perhaps you just need a weekend away in Wellington. Accomodation will be provided if you need it.

I promised Stace I'd link to his auction. So, go bid your way in. It'll be like old times. Except without Tuku.

Stacey's Auction of Tickets to His Flatwarming


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