May 20, 2005

Dr Cullen Kills An African Child

I apologise sincerely to our readers for the fact that absolutely nothing has happened on this site for many weeks.

MediaCow is recovering from rectal examinations during an unfortunate-timed holiday to Waiheke Island.

David W Young and Ben Thomas have been busy writing their weekly column for the NBR. (This week's one is a good 'un. It's not online, so go spend $8.50 on a paper and then go to page 13).

Olivia Kember is on holiday in China with David P Farrar.

Speaking of which, while Farrar was engaged in nude snorkelling this morning, Olivia was staring at murky corners of the internet. She discovered a poll at some pinko blog called Aboutown. The poll asks "Who is the most annoying blogger?"

Unfortunately the Aboutown people mucked up the potential answers (just as they omitted the second T in their title). They forgot to put their own names under the question.

Seriously. The only thing worse than a blog that fails to update (like us) is one that updates far too often with absolute shite.

Since the Budget was read out in a monotone yesterday, we have been busy writing a letter to the child that DogBitingMen sponsors in Africa. We're trying to explain why we are not able to afford to sponsor his little brother until April 2008.

However, we are addicted to polls, and because we like using the word "Cresswell", we have taken time out to write a pundit's guide to the pointless Aboutown poll.

(To those of you who suspect this is self-indulgent and uninteresting: congratulations. You've finally worked out what blogs are about. Or at least ours.)

David Farrah

Reasons he is the most annoying blogger in New Zealand:
The "cork counting" competition.
The quality of people who leave him comments.
His evil and dark moods in which he blogs as "Antarctic Lemur" (ostensibly Rodney Hide's illiterate little brother).
That photograph of the top of his head with devil's horns, and the unspoken but heavily implied meaning: he is a horny devil.
The inexplicable addictiveness of the site: we waste hours cramming our wee narrow minds with pointless stories about fictitious women named Miss Ten.

Reasons he is not the most annoying blogger in New Zealand:
He is a better writer than Matt Nippert.
The "cork counting" competition was somehow compelling.
He is everybody's best friend.
Some people go to sleep with his blog loaded, just to feel like someone loves them.

Aaron Bhatnagar

Reasons he is the most annoying blogger in New Zealand:
He keeps on picking on those poor Nigerians.
He won't quit banging on about the time the car drove into the house.
How is it that he was all ACT ACT ACT and then his friend Rodney became leader and now he's all National? Does he just like underdogs?
Those large vanity photographs are a bit much.

Reasons he is not the most annoying blogger in New Zealand:
He sometimes changes his mind - he's less dogmatic than some.
He often changes his photograph. (This provides many of us with fresh material for the Spank Bank.)
Another reason? This anonymous comment, posted after Bhatnagar complained about boy racers: "I hardly think that Aaron is able to make a critical judgement... considering he was the most prolific "Boy Racer" at St Kentigern College in 1990's and was seen on numerous occasions speeding down Remuera road in his yellow Ferrari..." Weeee.

Peter Cresswell
Reasons he is the most annoying blogger in New Zealand:

It's just his general... vibe.

Reasons he is not the most annoying blogger in New Zealand:
We've never actually heard of him.

Ben Thomas
Reasons he is the most annoying blogger in New Zealand:

He's such a perfect human being. That can be irksome for those of us who are not.

Reasons he is not the most annoying blogger in New Zealand:
Nobody could vote for him. Could they?

Damian Christie:

Reasons he is the most annoying blogger in New Zealand:
Have you met him? His chin is even weaker than Simon Pound's. And that's saying something.
He has been annointed by King Russell Brown.
Sometimes his 'blogs' are just copy-and-pastes from his newspaper column. We know this because they have "copyright" written at the bottom.
He is seemingly allergic to anybody with the same initials as him.

Reasons he is not the most annoying blogger in New Zealand:
He doesn't allow comments.
He is a self-described "media whore" which probably means has the clap, and we don't like to pick on sick people.
His opening gambit at school ("The name's Damian. But they call me 'Ice'. Because I'm cool. Like ice.") is so naff it is endearing.
He really, really wants to be the most annoying blogger in New Zealand. Or at least more annoying than David P Farrar.

There you go, folks. Go vote. Anything... to keep your minds off the little boy in Africa whom Dr Cullen has made to wait... and wait.

May 13, 2005

Anybody for Fish?

Mr David Benson Pope

Mr Gormsby

From Radio New Zealand:
The Associate Education Minister, David Benson-Pope says allegations that he threw tennis balls at students when he was a teacher are ridiculous, and he refutes them. National's Judith Collins and ACT's Rodney Hide have used parliamentary privilige to make a series of claims about Mr Benson-Pope's behaviour when he taught at Dunedin's Bayfield High School. They included the claim that he tied a student's hands and jammed a tennis ball in his mouth as a punishment, and that he once smacked a pupil hard enough to make his nose bleed. Mr Benson Pope is describing the allegations as disgraceful.

From TVNZ’s webpage on 7 Periods With Mr Gormsby:
"Mr Gormsby is an out-dated, reactionary, racist, sexist teacher completely out of touch with educational theory in the second millennium. He defies the curriculum in every subject and is a disgrace to the profession.

From the Act party website:
David Benson-Pope is proving to be a disgrace as Associate Education Minister and should go back to trying to regulate fish.

Pictures by Hello

May 11, 2005

Foes of the World

Ben Thomas writes…

Government departments have spent thousands since the early 1990s educating staff on proper terms of address for minorities. No longer was it acceptable to use traditional forms such as dwarves (“little people”), the disabled (“differently abled”) or even so obvious a fact as blindness (“vision impaired”).
This project has been derided by some as “political correctness” and defended by others as civility or politeness. Yet a new guide to youth language from the Ministry of Youth Development encourages us to refer to redheaded individuals as “gingas” or “moranges”. About bloody time, if you ask me. I hate those freaks.

A curious aesthetic fact is that, at the highest levels of their expression, it is impossible to tell the difference between beauty and virtue. Similarly, in their basest forms ginga-vitis and albinism become indistinguishable. Their washed out orangey-pink hues suggest equally gingas raised in an underground cave, or albinos left in the sun too long.

Still, I needn’t go on about my dislike of humanity’s carotein-enriched foes, or the despised sub-race of ging-binos. We now have an entire Ministry for that, apparently.
Although, ironically, before it took to codifying flame-haired unfortunates, the Ministry of Youth Development’s theme for Youth Awareness Week was ‘breaking down negative stereotypes’.


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